Archive | September, 2011

NATO Afghani forces beat up Taliban again on Twitter

After twenty hours of fighting off a sniping attack on the US Embassy in Kabul, and killing all ten of the attackers, NATO forces opened fire again. This time, it was on Twitter.

“Re: Taliban pussy on #Kabul attack: alll u ppl are fucken retarded” said the Twitter feed @ISAFmedia, usually a subdued stream of NATO announcements,

Less than five minutes later, the Taliban spokesman replied. “#ISAFmedia person: Oh yeah?” They said.

#taliLord and #assifKcuf, cyber bystanders, immediately added their support. “Taliban on #Kabul: way to go” and “You tell it to them they are swine-suckers”, they immediately tweeted.

The supposed spokesman for the Taliban, who called himself @ABalkhi, then added, “This is all your fault, you know.” He said this in English shorthand Twitter speak, omitting vowels and punctuation and even so misspelling “fault” as “fckkp”.

ISAFmedia responded that UNAMA, the United Nations Assistance Mission on Afghanistan, will “wash your mouths out with soap using only their left hands.”, referring to the cultural consistency of desert nomads’ using their left hands to wipe their anuses.

@ABalkhi then retorted, “Unama and what army?”

There the ascerbic exchange ended. But a few hours later, ISAFmedia directly tweeted a different self-designated spokesperson for the Taliban, @alemarahweb, by linking to a video purportedly showing Libyan strongman Muammar Gadhafi seated on the ground behind an armored transport, scratching his ear with his foot.

“Does your boss really do this?” the tweet said.

“Hey, we send this stuff to each other all the time,” a spokesman for the ISAF said. “It keeps morale up in the foxholes. Know what I mean?”

“It’s amazing, the image manipulation you can pull off with cell phone apps,” he said.


Taliban to Open Offices in Ten Western Cities

The U.S. today approved a UN Security Council resolution granting the Taliban taxicab franchises in ten cities in Western Europe and the United States.

“It will keep them busy,” said a Western diplomatic source who refused to be identified for fear of reprisals from taxi drivers who know where they’re going. “It’ll give them presence in Western cities, and it will allow us to negotiate with them, if we flag the right cabs.”

Approximately thirty thousand cabs will hit the streets by the Christmas shopping season, roughly three thousand in each city named. The cities will be named in the next two weeks.

“We expect their presence will have an immediate positive impact,” said Rick Curmaty, spokesman for the Taxi and Limousine Commission in New York. “Here, they’ll fit right in, of course. Nobody’ll know the difference, It’ll just be a little easier to find a cab when you need one,”

In London, however, there was a somewhat different response. “Absobloodylutely, I’m brassed over it. My daddy was the fourth generation hackie, and I’m the fifth. We know our trade. Last thing I need is to duke it out wit some [here a racial epithet was used. We will demur]. Bloody hell.”

Other cities expected to be named are Paris, Hamburg, Marseilles, Rome, Berlin and Stockholm.

“We do not want them right now in Oslo,” said Bjorn Bjanoffson. “Feelings are running too high. Perhaps later, if there is a later. If our culture survives and there is a need for taxicabs.”

“O ja, you becha,” said Sven Kaabelhaff. “Let them take people from Baghdad to Dajail.”

“I hope we are included,” said Gnaz Pliskanak, a Turkish student or architecture in Vienna. “Right now, the hummus you can get here is … you don’t want to know. With more demand, from people with standards, it can’t help but get better.”

In other news, ABC released a definitive study indicating that, while SpongeBob is not making your child stupid, you probably are.


Sunday, 9/11/11

America’s short attention span has been well noted. Today’s Dire Events line tonight’s birdcage and are replaced by tomorrow’s Brainless Trivia. And we sail on into Whatever. We’re so inundated with disconnection and dissociation we can’t possibly file it where we can find it, and so we lapse into short-term memory loss.

Well, the zen masters say, “Live in the present.” I think they may have also said, “But be cognizant of the past,” but I’m not so clear on that part.

Very little is known about how the brain works. Much of that ingnorance is concentrated in the realm of memory and recall. And, of course, my main personal resource is the Science section of the Tuesday New York Times. So don’t quote me to people who actually know stuff unless you want to get laughs. This won’t stop me, though.

A couple of years ago, I read “somewhere” that memories seem to be stored in arrays of binary cells. These cells are either “empty” or “full”. Either they hold a miniscule electronic charge, or they don’t. And the pattern of empty/full constitutes the memory.

This is exactly the way files are stored on hard drives, which either gives some weight to the idea (human inventors follow the body’s model) or doesn’t (I ‘heard’ that’s the way computers work, and reasoned backwards).

Most memories are stored in one or two thousand places (there’s soo many cells in your brain…). Yet, they can be wiped out with one “shot” (don’t ask me of what. the NYT didn’t go into that).

But when something Really Big happens, the memory is stored Everywhere, Just so we don’t forget it until we die.

We can’t avoid it. Everywhere we turn, there it is.

My clearest memory of That Day, ten years ago, was of a friend of my daughter’s. She was at work in a neighborhood 4-hour photo processing place. In those days, there was this business with kiosks in supermarket parking lots. You drove up to the kiosk, handed over your one-shot instant cameras with the exposed film sealed inside, then came back a couple hours later and picked up your pictures.

This girl worked in the lab, a windowless garage-like room equidistant from four or six kiosks. Her job was to collect the prints and the negatives and make sure they wound up in the right envelopes. Around noon, she began to notice fewer backyards and grandmas and more city street scenes, some quite dramatic, some downright scary.

She called her mother, who was at home, not work. And that’s how she found out.

Illicitly, she copied one print several times. It was of several New York City buildings, surrounding a patch of empty sky. Where the Towers once were.

I still have the print, I’ll run it, as soon as I can find it.


Wednesday: Third Republican Mass Debate Held Tonight

To celebrate the season, the Republicans will hold their third Mass Debate of this election tonight at 8. As before, the candidate-hopefuls will arrive together, driven directly onstage in a Morris Mini.

Each question will be directed to a particular candidate. However, there are rule changes in the debate itself. The addressed candidate will have three minutes in which to respond uninterrupted. Thereafter, any other candidate may try to disrupt that speech with his seltzer bottle. If he/she succeeds, that candidate will have one sentence’s grace in which to make a statement. The sentence may run on. When it comes to a period, however, that candidate becomes fair game.

In the interests of conciseness, all candidates will be limited to three CO2 cartridges.

This format will prevail through the first 45 minutes of the debate. The second 45 minutes will feature water balloons and Super-Soakers. But polls say most of the viewers await with true eagerness the third 45 minute segment. There the candidates will have at their disposal armories of Boston cream pies, reportedly in unlimited quantities. Also in this segment, the co-moderators, Brian Williams, anchor of the NBC Nightly News, and John F. Harris of, will be equipped with their own supply of cherry, blueberry and lemon meringue pies.

The first section of tonight’s proceedings will focus on the question, “If you were a plant, what plant would you be?” The second section will consist of questions dealing with he economy, such as, “What will The Count count next?” Finally, it will explore what Rick Perry hoped to gain by starting all those fires, other than a drastic increase in fire fighting jobs.

Seltzer bottles for tonight’s festivities are provided courtesy PepsiCo. Red bulbous noses and floppy shoes are courtesy Target Stores. They will bear the familiar bull’s-eye logo on their tips.]]>