Archive | October, 2011

The Guilt Of The Utterly Blameless – I Mean You, Orrin Hatch

A reader from Upper Geeyie, MI, writes:
” I knew about the ‘Let Women Die’ bill and I did nothing about it! I let my Senators vote any way they wanted! How do I know what they’ll do?!
“Have I committed a mortal sin, or just a venial one? Does that depend on, if any woman dies because of this legislation or not?
“I’m so stressed over this, the wolves in the woods ten miles away are howling. Please answer this question for me.
“Strung Tight As A Banjo”

Dear Strung,
The ‘Let Women Die’ bill derives its name from its refusal of funds to indigent women who were made pregnant via rape or incest or whose life is threatened by continued pregnancy. It in no way restricts the accessibility of abortion to anyone willing to pay for one herself, or anyone carrying private health insurance with abortion coverage.

Its sponsors, Orrin Hatch and twenty-nine others, would prefer it being referred to as the ‘Protected Life Act’. Of course, this disregards the life of the woman in question. Nor does it extend protection to the unborn fetus carried by a woman with her own health coverage.

Perhaps Mr. Hatch and his colleagues believe she ‘has it coming’. I can understand their viewpoint. Can you?

They don’t see the indigent rape victim as a victim. They see her as a wanton seducer, using men to her own evil ends, who should have her life destroyed and her child’s life ground into misery as a lesson, to purify them both through penance.

Makes me wonder what Mr Hatch and his twenty-nine cohorts are guilty of, that they want poor girls to die, or wish they did. Good Christians all, I’m sure they will feel purified by the blood of these women.

It’s good to be Good.

Oh – by the way, the bill was just introduced in the Senate. It probably won’t ever come to a vote. It’s just there so you’ll worry about it, rather than, say, Occupying Wall Street, or Lansing, or your own bank’s lobby. So, don’t you feel guilty, just cause you didn’t write your Senators.

Of course, it would be easier for you to write to them, if you know who they are. You may not. As a community service, here is the link that will take you to the Senate: Just another click, and all will be revealed.

Good luck, and stay in touch.

– Your friends at Freedmania


Palin Withdraws From Race She Was Never In

Sarah Palin “would have been nuts” to run for the 2012 Republican nomination, said CBS pundit Brian Montopoli. A curious observation, since the Tea Party favorite is recognizably far from well-grounded, mentally.So, why didn’t she run?

“Well, as most hockey moms and she-bears eventually discover, the campaign trail is a long and winding road,” said social editor Kinsey Williams, of the Ames, Iowa WorldView.”It’s exhausting. You;ve got your bus, and its filled with campaign spokesmen and spin managers and other close associates, your spouse or whomever. And at first it’s more or less neat and feels like an ‘adventure home’. But then the aisles begin to clog up with microwave burrito wrappers and homeless socks and you can’t remember what state you’re in, and you just can’t take any more of it. You want out.”

And her status would also be called into question. Right now, according to political analyst Lysle Overbay (no relation the the ballplayer Lyle Overbay) she stands as one of “America’s premiere political fruitcake figures.” But that only gives her so many swats at the apple. If she spends them all on an admittedly futile pursuit of the presidency, it would be difficult to take her seriously as a fruitcake again.

“She has every credential to assume the mantle worn for so many years by Eugene V. Debs and Harold Stassen,” said Overbay. “Even Eugene McCarthy, though he was only around for what, one or two elections.”

Though only 48 hours have passed since her withdrawal was announced, Palin has already become somewhat of a ‘Has-been’. Palin memorabilia, such as action dolls, which had been going for $6 – $7 dollars on Ebay, now fetch as much as $11. Replica faux-fashion accessories, stoles, handbags and whatever – have as much as doubled in price. That kitchenware left on the portch of her new home outside Phoenix and scorched by the passing wildfire, can only be purchased through a private brokerage, CF Clermont & Sons, of Tucson. Curiously, there has been no action on her Alaskan governmental papers.


Franklin Roosevelt To Run As Republican

Reacting to the current slate of Republican candidates, Franklin Delano Roosevelt has risen from the grave. Now that death has freed him of polio, he has announced that, once he gets his voice working again, he will run for President in 2012 – as a Republican.

“Enough of this ‘debt ceiling’ bullshit,” said the former statesman through a spokesman. “There’s more money in circulation than ever before in human history. Lent responsibly, it will end unemployment and return enormous profits to the lending institutions, as well as generating new tax revenue for the government. Didn’t I set this up once already? What’s wrong with you people?”

FDR railed for a moment at his new-found fellow Republicans in Congress. “In the past year, a time of greatest unemployment since I was last around, you have not sponsored one bill designed to even encourage job creation, let alone actually make any. Instead, you have sponsored nine bills controlling abortion, diverting Government’s attention and wasting taxpayer’s money.”

The ex-President was also incensed by the appalling physiques of Americans. “It used to be only Yugoslavians were this fat. In Yalta, at the end of the war, fat men and women waddled through the rubble in times of starvation, because their diets were built around suet and groats. It doesn’t have to be this way. Tasty fast food can be manufactured in balanced meals, probably more economically than all the crap they’re selling.”

But mostly, Mr Roosevelt was outraged by the current Republican candidates. Calling them “an array of morons and clowns”, their presence seemed to infuriate him.

“As you may have become aware, my campaign will be based on the concept of responsibility. Publicly calling Social Security a criminal enterprise; publicly calling the head of the Federal Reserve a capital criminal; publicly and repeatedly flaunting their dependence on fat cat corporate backers while denying small businessmen the relief they are owed is simply not responsible behavior by those seeking election. They should be ashamed of themselves,” he said. “Those invoking the aid of the Supreme Being should humble themselves even further.than the others,” he added.

“Real Republicans want a thriving economy that includes all the people, not this dark, crushing overlord-ship,” said Roosevelt. “Real Americans want freedom and justice for all.”

As to the incumbent, FDR only said, “Well, he had a moment in history, and he blew it. What a putz.”