Former Vice President Richard “Dick” Cheney underwent heart transplant surgery yesterday. Unlike most such operations, Mr Cheney did not have his heart replaced.
“He didn’t seem to have one in the first place,” said Dr Myles Corfendigus. who performed the operation. “Just a mess of veins, arteries and some kind of pulsing sphincter.”
The operation took place at an undisclosed location.
The donor heart, flown ovenight from a MASH unit in Afghanistan, had originally been intended for a 21-year-old Rhodes scholar in Dubai, world headquarters of the Halliburton Corporation. It was rerouted in midair, and arrived at the Vice President’s operating table by 9:00 am yesterday.
“It’s a very strong heart,” said Dr Corfendigus. “It’ll last at least fifty, maybe eighty years.” The Vice President is 71 years old.
“O, that rascal,” said Lynne Cheney.”Always stealing someone’s heart.”
“Dick is one of the most caring guys I know,” said Karl Rove. “He’d give anybody the shirt off his back. This was just another case of the national interest trumping an individual’s comfort.” Both Mr Rove and Mrs Cheney were immediately sealed into six-foot packing crates and shipped to undisclosed locations,