Archive | June, 2012

Miz Maude Comes Out For Grass

The oldest resident of Kansas, Maude L. Keeshan, of Latrobe, KS, has gone on the record about marijuana.

“It never done me no harm”, says the 117 year old great-great-great grandmother.

Born Maude Ellen Latrobe July 11, 1895, Ms Keeshan – she likes to be called Miz Maude – remembers hearing William Jennings Bryan speak at a Chatauqua Tent meeting.

“Can’t recollect if it was 1906 or 1907,” she said. “But I’m sure it wasn’t a Presidential election year, cause I remember thinking, ‘What’s he doing here?” And if it’d been one of them, I’d of figured he was running.”

Bryan had come to Latrobe on the Chautauqua Circuit to deliver his famous “Cross Of Gold” speech. “He was a great windbag,” said Miz Maude. “Kind of like a prototype Rush Limbaugh. Except he made sense.”

Listening to Bryan stoned was “almost a religious experience,” said Mis Maude.

“You could understand everything he stood for, and what it menat for each of us personally. You could see: the Gold Standard meant that those who held the gold, had all the money. Us regular folk didn’t have nothing. Bryan made it pretty plain to us common folk that our holdings had to be commoner stuff, backed by our hard work. And believe you me, I coiuldn’t have made head or tail of it if I’d been straight all the time.”

Miz Maude has been actively interested in politics as long as she can remember, which is a very long time. “Keep in mind,” she said. “A hundred years ago, I was already married with a baby on the way.”

Still completely ‘with it’, Miz Maude lives a vigorous life. Every action she takes has some purpose. “I don’t have any time to waste. Know what I mean?”

She has great respect for the cultural diversity of her country. “Jews aren’t all good. Nobody is. But you gotta thank them every day for pastrami,” she says.

 

 

0

Stupid Ideas That Just Won’t Go Away

1.   THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA IS THE ONLY HUMAN STRUCTURE VISIBLE FROM THE MOON
– You can’t see The Jersey Turnpike? Not even I-40? The Great Wall is lots narrower than they are, and it’s not lit at night. WAKE UP!

2.   HUMAN RACES ARE DIFFERENT FROM EACH OTHER, LIKE THEY ARE SEPARATE SPECIES
– Implied is the assumption that One Specie (“Us”] is superior to all Other Species [“Them”]. Since this is a perverse derivative of Pride in Oneself, my guess is it won’t ever go away. Just, recognize it for what it is, whenever it comes up. Please?

3.   WOMEN ARE INFERIOR TO MEN / MEN ARE INFERIOR TO WOMEN
  – O shut up.

4.   VEGETARIANS ARE HEALTHIER THAN OMNIVORES
  – All I know is, I’ve never come across a World’s Oldest [Human] who was vegetarian.

5. HOMOSEXUALS ARE PEDOPHILES
  – Think I’m making up an “issue”? Google “gay scout leader commentary molestation”, and pick some of the 2,000,000+ hits.

6. DOGS HATE CATS / CATS HATE DOGS
  – The confusion at work here is with baboons, who hate all members of all other species, and most of their own as well.

7.   BIRDS ARE STUPID; hence, “birdbrain”
   – Birds are not stupid. They even have foreheads, implying development in pre-frontal regions of the brain.Rather, they are musicians. Do not expect coherent statements from them, even hen they aren’t stoned.

8   THERE IS SUCH A THING AS “HD” AM RADIO
   – Help me. Please.

9   PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING IS A SPORT
   – Pro wrestling is super-heavyweight ballet. It is, for illiterate males, what “Dancing With The Stars” is for all women.

10. MARIJUANA IS BAD
   – The fact that I’m even writing this in 2012 indicates how fundamentally screwed up things really are.

0