John Cena, one-time World Heavyweight Champion of the WWE, is fast gaining write-in popularity in the Ohio Republican Primary, CNN reports. While rival Faux News reports Donald Trump’s doble-digit lead in the Ohio polls is slipping moderately, CNN reports it is down from 21 points to “more like” 16.
“That pussy Trump better kiss his ass for the last time,” said current WWE Woprld Champion Triple H, from Cena’s campaign headquarters in Columbus. “He’s goin DOWWWWN!”
Mike Judge, who predicted Cena’s eventual rise to power in his prophetic 2006 feature film “Idiocracy”, said, “I knew it would end like this. I told you so. Though I must admit that never in my wildest hallucinations did I ever envision Donald Trump’s role in it.”
Trump himself is taking the day off. Far from storming the stumps of The Buckeye State, he has taken his pregnant daughter Ivanka and her two ambulatory children for a weekend in Las Vegas.
“Sometimes, you just gotta get away and do something for the kids,” he said sipping a Pina beside the floating craps table in the Olympic-sized pool at the “Shah’s Cabana” resort, just off the Strip.
About Cena’s write-in candidacy, Trump said, “Bothers me? Sure, it bothers me. Like a boil on my ass, it bothers me. It wouldn’t bother me so much if my personal astrologer hadn’t confirmed that I ‘would have to watch out for an ex-WWE World Champion Wrestler who would come out of nowhere and pound the shit out of’ me. She never said, she won’t say whether she means politically, pound the shit or physically pound thhe shit outta me. People keep calling the suite, saying ‘A wrestler is coming.’ Yeah, it bothers me! I hope my private army is in place before he lands here and proceeds to pound.”