Archive | November, 2017

Ten Things To Do When Your Neighbors Are Beating On Each Other

AngelYesterday, a friend of mine posted on Facebook the fact that a neighbor couple was involved in screaming fights, and she could think of nothing other than doing Something to Help Them. To make matters worse, she couldn’t think of anything she could do. I read this early yesterday, and from that point I on could not think of anything other than what I might do, were I in her position.

By lunch, I had figured out ten actions which I might take. Therefore, having brought up the subject here, I feel obliged to present them to you.

Some of my ideas entail resources I cannot call upon. However, I am not in my friend’s situation. Perhaps, if ever I am, I shall have those resources available at that time.

1. Erect bleachers outside their place, and sell tickets. In the concession stand attached to the ticket booth, I would sell pennants with “His” and “Her” names on them, as well as hot dogs and energy drinks.

2. Drown them out with fireworks, heavy-metal music, military band music, the “1812 Overture”, Wagner, Berlioz, and 20th Century Russian composers. Preferably, all at once.

3. Alternately, match the music to their ruckus. In effect, score the event. Pick music in the same rhythm and tempo of their exchange.

4. Record them, just as they are. Use the recording as a sound track for an animation.

5. Similarly, use the recording, augmented with added music, as the score for a ballet.

6. Instead of music, mix current news broadcasts with them.

7. Research all the homes for battered spouses in the area. Print up flyers promoting them. Include tear-off strips with the shelters’ phone numbers on them. Print up at least 500 flyers – better, 500 for each shelter. Then go around the neighborhood stapling them to phone poles. Put them all up. If that requires poles to be completely covered with the flyers, so be it.

8. Get 2 – 3 large, aggressive dogs. When the couple is fighting, let the dogs into their apartment. Run away.

9. When they are fighting, light a fire in their yard. A big fire that will burn for hours. Take care not to ignite any buildings.

10. Stick their garden hose in one of their windows, connected to a faucet and turned on. As above, run away. In this case, it does not matter if they are engaged in combat or not.

Whatever you do, keep in mind this thought: Nobody does Anything for Someone Else’s Own Good. If you find yourself acting on that basis, STOP, take a step back, and consider exactly what you are doing, and what you are getting out of it. There’s probably something else you should be doing, that doesn’t require anybody to change what they are doing at all.