In the wake of the cancellation of the over-the-counter release of the Plan B One Step emergency contraceptive, the Federal Government last night quietly approved sale of another retroactive birth control product.
Called The Fixer, it is intended to correct those pregnancies which, while they may or may not have been considered ‘unwanted’ at the time, have proven to have been really bad mistakes.
“An individual’s DNA is, as we know, utterly unique,” said Dr Fyodor G. Anadroikin, one of the developers of the substance. “As we go through life, we leave behind a kind of trail of our DNA, like breadcrumbs.”
The active ingredient in The Fixer, cleavonlittleorgcombobulate, latches on to the subject’s DNA. Effectively, it tracks the person back through life to the point of conception, erasing as it goes. At the end of the process, the subject, in effect, was never born.
The release culminates over twentyfive years of meticulous research and rigorous testing. Originally begun in the old Soviet Union, and intended to replace a gruelling labor-intensive manual process, the research was moved to a private laboratory funded by private investors. The American pharmaceutical giant Ciba-Geigy joined the venture in late 1994.
“We knew there were no legitimate pharmaceutical aspects to this stuff,” admitted someone close to the industry who refused to be named. “But it looked like it was worth its weight in gold, or more, and if we could get away with calling it a ‘contraceptive’, even a ‘retroactive contraceptive’, all the better.”
Dr Anadroikin said, “We here at Babayaga Institute are extremely proud and thankful that our ‘baby’ has finally made it to the marketplace, We have great hopes that, in its success, it will contribute what it can to a peaceful and loving future for all mankind.”