Author Archive | Paul

Saturday: not so sneaky, this

In conjunction with the New York State law sanctioning same-sex marriage, Stellar Manufacturing, of Cheektowaga, NY, a prosthetic manufacturer, has announced a new line of artificial genitalia.

“We offer a complete array of OEM body parts,” said Stellar’s President, Myron “Scuffy” McDermott. “From implanted penises and vaginas, fully functional and neurologically integrated for complete sensual interpersonal bonding, to outboard dicks and cunts for those who just want to fuck. Know what I mean? We got it all.”

The Stellar line was originally produced with the internet in mind. “Our appliances are USB-ready. Totally plug-and-play,” said McDermott. Software linking the devices is free, downloadable from www.stellarprosthetic.com, along with instructions. A separate manual, “The Stellar Cookbook: a Kama Sutra for the New Age”, is also available in print and electronic versions for both Kindle and Nook.

“We have a pre-release order list over a thousand names long,” he said. “And endorsement deals with ex-athletes, ex-congressmen, even ex-astronauts. This stuff is perfect for the businessman or businesswoman who spends most of their time on the road and wants to keep the home fires burning, as it were.”

The outboard devices are wireless and 2-way. Also, the connection matrix is completely user-configurable. “Threesomes are just for starters,” said, McDermott.

“It actually works on MIDI sequencing,” said McDermott. “Think of it as playing your partner’s organ – all four keyboards at once.”

Elsewhere, in a moment of unbelievable insensitivity, a noted satirist tastelessly linked the headlines, “NY State Legalizes Same Sex Marriage” and Dike Breached in North Dakota city”. Some say, he should be shot. Now.

0

Friday the Thirteenth-plus-Eleven

According to reports, Osama bin Laden’s courier’s cellphone’s Fave Five included Allah, God and Harold Camping. His favorite pizza place was apparently ibn Ben’s Famous; his favorite tweets were Glenn Beck, Andy Borowitz, and Hussein ibn Jakmah, described as “a Turkish stand-up comic with a terrorist’s point of view.”

There were several snapshots in the phone, apparently taken at an Al-Qaeda office party in 2002. Three show bin Laden wearing a Santa’s Helper hat with a white pompon on its tip, mugging for the camera.

Other photos appeared to be taken at a Halloween party. Several small children are seen, wearing Afghan-style turbans, false handlebar moustaches and presumably fake suicide vests.

Still other photos show two unidentified young women with masks on, as well as leather harnesses, carrying whips.

Bin Laden considered changing the name of Al Qaeda. Names on the list included Al Gore, Al Franken, Al Yankovic and Ron Artest, if it ever became vacant.

0