To celebrate the season, the Republicans will hold their third Mass Debate of this election tonight at 8. As before, the candidate-hopefuls will arrive together, driven directly onstage in a Morris Mini.
Each question will be directed to a particular candidate. However, there are rule changes in the debate itself. The addressed candidate will have three minutes in which to respond uninterrupted. Thereafter, any other candidate may try to disrupt that speech with his seltzer bottle. If he/she succeeds, that candidate will have one sentence’s grace in which to make a statement. The sentence may run on. When it comes to a period, however, that candidate becomes fair game.
In the interests of conciseness, all candidates will be limited to three CO2 cartridges.
This format will prevail through the first 45 minutes of the debate. The second 45 minutes will feature water balloons and Super-Soakers. But polls say most of the viewers await with true eagerness the third 45 minute segment. There the candidates will have at their disposal armories of Boston cream pies, reportedly in unlimited quantities. Also in this segment, the co-moderators, Brian Williams, anchor of the NBC Nightly News, and John F. Harris of Politico.com, will be equipped with their own supply of cherry, blueberry and lemon meringue pies.
The first section of tonight’s proceedings will focus on the question, “If you were a plant, what plant would you be?” The second section will consist of questions dealing with he economy, such as, “What will The Count count next?” Finally, it will explore what Rick Perry hoped to gain by starting all those fires, other than a drastic increase in fire fighting jobs.
Seltzer bottles for tonight’s festivities are provided courtesy PepsiCo. Red bulbous noses and floppy shoes are courtesy Target Stores. They will bear the familiar bull’s-eye logo on their tips.]]>