Monday – oyoyoy. And another thing…

This morning:

– In Waterloo, IA, her birthplace, Michele Bachmann formally announced her presidential candidacy in the living-room of a lovely, well-kept farmhouse. She was surrounded by family and friends, and after the announcement, coffee and home-made cupcakes were served by the cherubic children. In keeping with her theme of cash-on-the-barrelhead, no deficit spending, she paid for the rental of the family, friends and farmhouse with a personal check handwritten to the Family Rental Agency of Keokuk. An onlooker was heard to say, “Don’t it look natural?”

– An arrest warrant from the International Criminal Court in the Hague for Libyan strongman Moamar Gadhafi was thrown out by a Common Pleas magistrate in Tripoli on the grounds that Mr Gadhafi’s name was misspelled. When asked, “What is the correct spelling?”, the magistrate threw up his hands and said, “Search me.” The International Crime Detectives to whom he was speaking at the time immediately did so. They found a 9-volt battery and a roll of halal Rolaids, which they ate.

– Citibank ‘discovered’ $2.7 million was stolen during May 10’s hack of their system. Well, they can show their system was hacked, May 10. They can show that $2.7 million is missing. We know who hacked them. Do we need a map, then? Yeah, we do. Keep your hands where we can see them, CitiGuys. It’s just a routine procedure.

– In a followup to the above, The Wall Street Journal broke a story about a former vice-president in Citigroup’s internal treasury finance department, Gary Foster, accused of embezzling $19 million from corporate accounts. There is no indication of any deep interest on Foster’s part in computer security either before, during or after the period (2008 – 2010) during which he embezzled the funds. His attorney, Max Bialystock, of Bialystock & Bloom, insists this is “all a big, big mistake”, the details of which will become clear “in the next few days,” just as soon as he and Mr Foster get back from a pre-arranged business trip to Bangkok.

– CNN announced the invention of something by a Canadian nuclear physicist that will revolutionize our thinking about energy production, and may well provide flood-proof, earthquake-proof, non-overloadable, uninterruptable power for the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, their network connection failed and the story was never posted. O well.

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Saturday: not so sneaky, this

In conjunction with the New York State law sanctioning same-sex marriage, Stellar Manufacturing, of Cheektowaga, NY, a prosthetic manufacturer, has announced a new line of artificial genitalia.

“We offer a complete array of OEM body parts,” said Stellar’s President, Myron “Scuffy” McDermott. “From implanted penises and vaginas, fully functional and neurologically integrated for complete sensual interpersonal bonding, to outboard dicks and cunts for those who just want to fuck. Know what I mean? We got it all.”

The Stellar line was originally produced with the internet in mind. “Our appliances are USB-ready. Totally plug-and-play,” said McDermott. Software linking the devices is free, downloadable from www.stellarprosthetic.com, along with instructions. A separate manual, “The Stellar Cookbook: a Kama Sutra for the New Age”, is also available in print and electronic versions for both Kindle and Nook.

“We have a pre-release order list over a thousand names long,” he said. “And endorsement deals with ex-athletes, ex-congressmen, even ex-astronauts. This stuff is perfect for the businessman or businesswoman who spends most of their time on the road and wants to keep the home fires burning, as it were.”

The outboard devices are wireless and 2-way. Also, the connection matrix is completely user-configurable. “Threesomes are just for starters,” said, McDermott.

“It actually works on MIDI sequencing,” said McDermott. “Think of it as playing your partner’s organ – all four keyboards at once.”

Elsewhere, in a moment of unbelievable insensitivity, a noted satirist tastelessly linked the headlines, “NY State Legalizes Same Sex Marriage” and Dike Breached in North Dakota city”. Some say, he should be shot. Now.

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Friday the Thirteenth-plus-Eleven

According to reports, Osama bin Laden’s courier’s cellphone’s Fave Five included Allah, God and Harold Camping. His favorite pizza place was apparently ibn Ben’s Famous; his favorite tweets were Glenn Beck, Andy Borowitz, and Hussein ibn Jakmah, described as “a Turkish stand-up comic with a terrorist’s point of view.”

There were several snapshots in the phone, apparently taken at an Al-Qaeda office party in 2002. Three show bin Laden wearing a Santa’s Helper hat with a white pompon on its tip, mugging for the camera.

Other photos appeared to be taken at a Halloween party. Several small children are seen, wearing Afghan-style turbans, false handlebar moustaches and presumably fake suicide vests.

Still other photos show two unidentified young women with masks on, as well as leather harnesses, carrying whips.

Bin Laden considered changing the name of Al Qaeda. Names on the list included Al Gore, Al Franken, Al Yankovic and Ron Artest, if it ever became vacant.

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